Win Small to Win B.I.G.
In sessions, I’m often invited into a dark and dingy mental space where everything appears stuck and hopeless.
“There’s just no way out of this”, I’m told as if THE truth has just been delivered.
“I’ll never be done with my trauma!”
“My relationship will never give me what I need and I will never leave it either!”
“I’ll never get the energy to get out of the hole I’m in!”
“My chronic pain will never yield to my inner work!”
“My career is doomed! I’m painted into a corner!”
“I’ll never love myself or believe that I deserve love!”
“My brain has been hardwired.”
“I’m fated to be unhappy!”
All things I’ve heard.
So what do we do about it?
There are many somatic ways to work with stuckness but I want to focus here on the practical side of things.
We need new evidence that disconfirms our worldview.
We need to take a small step into the unknown.
This may be starting a basic exercise routine or a short daily somatic practice. It could be doing the thing we know we are avoiding. It could be having a conflict that needs to happen. It could be setting up a new meeting with a new person. It could be just showing up to therapy on time each week.
The important thing is that it’s a small step that actually happens.
We need to create a small win, or completion, that gives us a juicy dopamine hit.
This gives us the energy for our next step.
We CANNOT let our mind get ahead of us and prevent this step.
This step is all that matters right now.
Our inner guardians want us to believe that we’re not strong enough or we’ve tried it before and we couldn’t stick with it, or we can’t take the pain if we fail again.
These are just echoes of the past. We are moving toward a new world.
We are much stronger than our guardians think.
We CAN be happy, healthy, and wise.
As we collect new evidence, this becomes our new truth.
—-
“Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become. No single instance will transform your beliefs, but as the votes build up, so does the evidence of your new identity. This is one reason why meaningful change does not require radical change. Small habits can make a meaningful difference by providing evidence of a new identity. And if a change is meaningful, it is actually big. That's the paradox of making small improvements.”
- James Clear
p.s. This approach is epitomized by the West Coast Offense popularized in American football by former 49ers coach Bill Walsh. The West Coast Offense focuses on short secure passes to move play up the field. It is not exciting but highly effective.
p.p.s a beautiful poem on starting close in with the first step by David Whyte
